A Little venting today.. allowed every Once in Awhile

Uggh.. what a day. Nothing happened really, but I suppose that is why it's been an uggh day. .. Because nothing happened..and I'm waiting for something to happen.

I'm waiting for the ex to do something with the papers he received. Either he's going to agree to the very reasonable terms, get an attorney to tell him how lucky he is I'm not going for more (because I so could), or refuse to sign all together and take it to a judge. Question is, how long do I wait for him to sign the thing or not sign the thing? He could drag it on forever and my attorney didn't quite put a time limit on it. Which reminds me, need to call him tomorrow. I want to be done with this already.

Which brings me to my other thoughts on my mind today. My phone was not ringing which was disappointing. Applied for what looks like a really cool job in the Valley last week and right up my alley. It would make going to a full-time-work-for-someone-else job totally worth it, at least according to it's job description and location (my favorite local mall) It's right along the lines of what I'm going to school for.

And yeah me.. straight A's in school...but no school work this week because Fall quarter doesn't start till October 4th. That just leaves me feeling like I won't be making any progress for three weeks.

Politics are on my mind too. Finally watched Michael Moore's "Capitalism: A Love Story" yesterday. All that I felt, he pretty much expressed in that film. What I don't get is how the rest of the country is so unaware that they are being bought , paid for and manipulated by the wealthy few that control this nation. We are for the big Corps (and Wall Street) by the Big Corps and Wall Street. It amazes me how anyone that votes Republican doesn't see that they are voting against their own best interest. Hello America , we are the 97% yet you vote in the economic best interest of the 1% of the nation. Umm..unless you plan on being some Wall Street goon like those guys or a famous actor /actress or Sports star (and those guys are mostly Democrats anyway! right on!) you will never be in that 1%. Stop kidding yourself and stop kissing rich CEO goons asses by voting for Republicans that want to give THEM .. the ones that need it the LEAST.. the tax breaks. Uggh.. wish there were emoticons on this thing..I'd put a big head slapping one right here! And now, the GOP is being hijacked by the Tea Party. Hey, some of their gripes I get.. but where they lose me is that they seem to worship Glen Beck (uggh puke) , Rush Limbaugh (puke some more) and Sarah Palin (just shoot me). Some of their notions are good.. yes the government needs to stop spending so much money cause they do on a lot of crap.. like bailing out rich people! But, they are wrong on other things.. like that Obama is Hitler or that we need to do away with Health Care Reform. Yes, we should stop cow towing to Wall Street, but no we (meaning the government) need to step in and take care of our own people in regards to health care and the screwed system we live in. And, the people that are speaking to news cameras at your rallies are not helping your cause any.

Yes, the economy is in the toilet. But hey America it took 8 years of shitty Bush and Republican control and maneuvering to get us in this mess.. you can't expect Obama to turn it around with a snap of his fingers. The thought that we can once again shift control of the House and Senate to the obstructionist party of Republicans just makes me want to puke (and since I've done a lot of that up top here I think I'll need a new bucket..LOL). Anyway.. that is what is on my mind at 11:39pm this night.

Now.. I'm going to watch Rizzoli and Isles and then I'm off to bed. For tomorrow I have another day of watching my phone waiting for it to ring.. oh it will ring, but it will most likely be a bill collector seeing as in the divorce I'm left holding the bag of all the ex's shitty decisions and am forced into bankruptcy.. LOL.. If only the caller on the other end was that job I applied for (or any of the other 15 or so applications I sent in).

Hey.. I'm an overall positive person.. just sometimes I need to vent. Tonight was one of those times.

Ah.. and please don't take offense to what I've posted here.. just venting.. I suppose some of my statements may seem blanket, and there may be exceptions to some of those that I blanket in with it..if you know what I mean. Ah , heck.. it's late and I'm talking gibberish.. LOL

I will NOT Remain Silent

Uggh.. what a whirlwind of a week. Ex-husband drama and it continues.

I spent 8 1/2 years with this man, 7 of which were married. I wasn't some dough eyed young and nieve girl when I met him, at least I didn't think I was. But, my loyalty to people in my life, to friends and my wanting to believe in those people in my life have led me to where I am today.

Where I am is not so bad in the sense that I am not happy. I am much happier now than I had been in, well a long time. I feel stronger, more confident in myself and my abilities. But, at 36, I find myself laying in financial ruin; a victim of the wake that my ex husband tends to leave in his path whenever there is money involved. Hell, let's face it money is involved in life everyday. There is no escaping it. We need it to survive.

I feel like one of those stupid woman you hear talk to Judge Judy on The People's Court; you know, the nieve girl who lent her boyfriend money or who gave him this or that and in the end she ends up burned. Only, this is on a far bigger scale and he wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my husband AND the father of my child. My mom asks me why it took me so long to see it. I tell her thank god I didn't because if I had I wouldn't have stayed where I was and I wouldn't have the most valuable, precious and worth any amount of crap I'd have to go through; my son.

I don't think I didn't see it though. I mean, come on one of the first times I had a conversation with him on the phone when we were at the early stages of our relationship he had to get off the phone because the repo man was there taking his car away. Yeah.. you read that right. BIG red flag right? Not to Tara. I just thought that perhaps he had a bout of bad luck. Hell, I was irresponsible with money and credit myself and had only recently cleaned up my life and swore off credit cards (yup, that's right - when I met my ex husband I was out of debt and had NO credit cards.. yeah me!) I'm not one to judge someone so harshly for a mistake or a mis calculation in judgement. After all, I learned from my own mistakes and that is all part of life right?

Well, if only.. IF ONLY this man would have learned from his mistakes.

If only I wasn't an all in loyal kind of gal.

I find myself now in over $26,000 in debt. Debt, by the way, that HE got us into with HIS decisions, not mine. Actually he never gave me a say in anything and I foolishly went along with his decisions or "ideas" because, after all, he was my significant other and I believed in him. I ignored everything in my gutt that would say "this isn't practical" or "how can he really handle this" and went with him because he said he had it.

Yeah.. he had it alright. Had it all in my name under my credit!


He's not a bad person, per say. He's just an idiot, not very practical AT ALL and can't discern between I want and I need. He refuses to keep track of what he spends. Mind you, when you are in business for yourself aren't you supposed to be watching your bottom line, keeping track to make sure you are ON TRACK.

Forget it..I spent the majority of our marriage, particularly from the point I realized that he was NOT learning his lessons and was repeating the same patterns , trying to get him to change his thinking (like trying to get him to understand the concept of you pay income taxes first, then live off the rest later. Not,you spend every dime you make then turn around and claim you don't make any money so how can you file and pay income taxes). At first, I tried to gently give him "suggestions" always met with the "don't tell me what to do".

Finally, as I like to put it, I got tired of being a passenger in a car that was going full speed at a brick wall.

Without getting into too many details, this man is going to have a whole bunch of shit just come back and bite him on the ass one day. He'll learn his lesson the hard way via the IRS when they catch up to him, among many other things that will catch up to him.

I got myself in deep. I had a child and I couldn't work. So now, here I am a single mom with no family nearby to assist, broke as all hell in debt for over $26K (I smell a bankruptcy in my future). After having stood by this man's poor decisions this is what I'm left with. Don't get me wrong, this man makes good money - but funny thing he doesn't even know how good but, thanks to my excel spreadsheet skills and my hope that he would someday want to actually LOOK and figure it all out, I kept some good records (and may save him one day when the IRS comes a knocking for an audit) that he could pay me the little money I had asked for for the next two years to get me on my feet. He has given me a hard time. For some reason he thinks I don't deserve anything.


Oh really? After being a stay at home mom and helping YOU with your business for the last 4 years? After having put all the money I made before we had our son into the collective pot, the pot which is always empty thanks to your spending.. actually we were always behind in bills -? YOu think it's okay that you leave me holding as hit bag of debt and I'm on my own in an economy where a job is scarce (can't find one and one that fits within what I need to be able to take care of my son). Sure,you'll take care of your son, but after all I've been through with you, you're going to leave me in the lurch.

And you get upset when my "big mouth" about you gets a flappin! He's upset because I told his new girlfriend/business partner (I really don't know for certain what they are and i really don't care, I've moved on) about his history - one with the same pattern (and one he is repeating here in PA yet again). I'd be remiss not to. After all, she just leased a car in HER name for him. (yeah.. that's right, he's got someone else extending credit for him). Not that he ever intentionally sets out to bleed your credit like a scam artist, but when its more than he can handle, he just shrugs his shoulders and walks away, much like he thinks he is getting away with it this time, only he won't because I won't let him. Only AFTER he threatened (and subsequently followed through on that threat, by the way) to withhold money from me this month, did I start flapping my mouth and calling him out on his shit. Then, he turns around and claims that he withheld because I called him out in front of someone. That's like being angry at someone for calling the police after you shoot them and then claiming they shot you BECAUSE you called the police (insert forehead slapping emoticon here..LOL). Now he wants me to sign a paper saying I won't talk to anyone about his personal shit or what went down between us. Um.. no.. not signing anything he puts in front of me. My silence can not be bought. My anger can not be squelched or bribed away. I'm entitled to what I'm entitled to with none of his "conditions" attached.

Funny.. if he would just say "I'm sorry I put you in this deep shit hole financially" I might be willing to forgive (although not forfeit any money I am entitled to).

Too bad! You should have just paid up and shut up. I was being more than fair with you. But now the attorney is going to wipe the floor with you and get me MORE than what I asked for. Why? Because while you don't value what I have done over the last four years (being a stay at home mom and support system at home for you) the legal system does. And, I need to get everything I can from you while I can before the mountain of shit from your bad decisions comes crashing in on you. Oh, and it will and because you never let me have a say in any of them you'll only have yourself to blame for the consequences. Somehow, though, I doubt you'll take responsibility for your poor choices and blame what happens to you on me.

At my Age, Why Am I Still Dissappointed and Surprised by People

You would think that at the age of 36 that I wouldn't be surprised by people. By surprised, I don't mean the good kind. I mean the bad kind. The kind that leaves you dissappointed, frustrated and just feeling, well stupid . In otherwords, feeling like that nieve teenager I once was. Problem is, I'm not a teenager. I have been screwed over quite a few times by people and I'm sure I will be in the future. But, it shouldn't surprise me.

Last year around this time I embarked on what was such a liberating and wonderful project. It was something that helped me find something that I had lost within myself over the last few years and that is confidence in my abilities. During it all I met what I thought were two extrodinary women. Together, we were bringing something fresh, new and exciting to Jim Thorpe. Never mind that all three of us had not a pot to piss in, that didn't matter. We were going to create something from nothing. We knew the idea was a fabulous one and if we put ourselves into it, worked hard, we could create a successful event and one that we could do year after year and build momentum. Sure, the first time around we were going to do it all for nothing so that we could build a foundation and from there create something that could make us some money, promote our community and have a great time in the process. In that, we succeeded. It was a hit, we had pulled it off and the entire town knew it! We were proud and felt accomplished. I, for one, couldn't wait to take on the next projects knowing that next time around all our hard work would and cuold pay off in some much needed little income.

At the same time I grew close to both woman and when going through a rough time, I confided in them because they were there, they were my friends (or so I thought) and I felt the comraderie of it all. We started working on our next show/event and planning for the larger event the following year (yes, this is referring to the Burlesque Festival). Everything seemed right on track. I was excited brimming with ideas as were they. Things seemed to be going well. Through the entire first show there was never any fighting, nothing that went on that I would classify as a problem. Then at a production meeting called at my house, one of the two girls took it upon herself to "fire me" from the production. I was shocked. First, how can you fire me when I don't work for you? How can you fire me from my own creation (correction.. our SHARED creation?) What gave this person the right to take it as her own? How could someone that called herself my friend and knew how much that show meant to me, turn around and basically steal it out from underneath me.

I soon found out that she had been talking behind my back for weeks to someone else to replace me. Not only that, but she went into the websites that I not only paid for, but created and maintained (along with the Facebook and Myspace Page) and changed the passwords ( I was the one that taught her how to use the sites, after all it was a collaborative effort and she had every right to access to it as much as I did). The other girl just sat there and said nothing.

I was appalled, hurt, angry and well yes surprised! I'm not one to really hold on to anger for very long but I find myself still very angry about this. I find myself still shocked at how abhorent their behavior is and continues to be. I say they because the other girl sat back and said nothing, which to me shows just as much as if she had done it herself. I, for one, know that had she been the one that the self declared "queen" of the festival would have done that to I would have said that that was not right ; that if it wasn't with all three of us like originally started then it wasn't right. But, she said nothing which makes her just as guilty.

To think, I used to babysit her daughter for her and I used to respect her and her opinions.

They have ignored all my emails to them about how angry I am and how wrong their treatment of me has been. So yes, I have been telling everyone exactly what they did to me ; done to me with no real good explaination why. Apparently they have nothing to say for themselves. How can you defend something that is so wrong.

There are other dissappointments as well and perhaps I will never understand how or why people do or don't do what they do, what they should do and what is right? I think that bugs me the most? What were they or any of those people that hurt me in my past, what where they thinking?

I thought about suing them ; after all they are about to make money of which some should go to me, being that I was instrumental in laying down the foundation that will now make THEM money and they cut me out. I did take down the website I built, I paid for and I maintained and so they had to start all over again at least. Instead, I decided to focus my attentions elsewhere and put my energies toward positive things, of which I have a lot of them. But occassionaly something flashes across my Facebook page about the festival, or I'll meet someone that asks me about it or compliments me on it and I get so angry all over again. And yes, you bet I tell everyone that will listen exactly how I was treated and wronged! No, I will not use some bullshit story she wanted to create as to why I was not involved with the show anymore. Why? To save her face? Hell no. You are, were and will forever be a bitch for what you did.

Have I learned my lesson yet? Or will I once again be trusting and honest with people only to be blindsided, backstabbed and surprised by it all. I guess I'll find out the next time something happens... or perhaps if nothing happens I would have finally learned how to protect myself.

There is something in the Air This Year for Sure! What Will 36 Bring me?

It has been awhile since a blog has come out of me. Life has changed drastically (not the title of this blog has changed from Wife to woman..LOL). Let's just say, I'm no longer bored or as stuck as I was when I created this and my many other blogs (Confessions of a DVR Addict).

Divorce seems to be in the air this year, what with my seperation this past February and the sudden changing of "status" on Facebook from a bunch of people from married to single.

Speaking of Facebook, when I decided to change my status I was basically announcing it to the world and setting it in stone for the most part. So, for those of my friends that have put themselves as "single" as of now, I know exactly what point you are at in your life and relationships.

But hey, things looked up for me in a big way. I got into my own apartment, a nice one to boot, with my son. I met a wonderful guy I have been dating now for a little over three months. I've been contemplating changing my status to "in a relationship" and making that announcement to the world similar to when I put my status as "single" but, have decided to hold of just a little while longer before I do for many reasons. None of them bad, just waiting for the right time. I'm also going back to school and have just completed week 3 of my first group of 11 week classes. I'm enjoying it a lot. I feel smart, strong, more independent and lots of other things that I had been lacking in over the past 4 years. Mostly, I have learned that I rock and kick ass and am smarter, stronger, sexier than my soon to be ex husband has given me credit for. That, and I'm a good Mom! Okay, I knew I was a good mom. I never doubted that even though the ex sometimes tried to make me feel I wasn't.

I've also learned a harsh lesson on who my friends are and aren't. I thought that I had found two amazing friends through my Burlesque Show project and they lent me their ear to vent during a tough time. One of the two, in particular, turned out to be, well just a plain Bitch by claiming the show as her own (rather than a shared and collaborative effort) and subsequently kicking me off of it. Pulled the rug right out from underneath me. As I have been vocal about it (hey, you don't treat someone like that and expect to get away smelling like roses) I suppose she hasn't been happy about the fact that I told people the truth of why I was no longer involved (as opposed to some bullshit she wanted to make up about me not having time, blah blah blah . .. all meant to protect her, apparently, because the truth makes her look bad, not me) that she then had to go and blurb stuff to my soon to be ex husbands pseudo girlfriend (they act like a couple but won't admit they are a couple..LOL. dont know why. I could care less if they are together now. Oddly, I do like her.) about the stuff I said to her when I thought she was my friend. To make matters worse, she exagerated or embellished what I said to make it sound totally twisted and really bad. Wow. Kharma monster is going to bite her in the ass. But of course, my true friends that I knew I had (yes, that's you Stacey and my prego friend Jeannine..whom I really want to see because I haven't seen her at all since the news) are still my true friends.

Well, anyway.. it has been a whirlwind almost year.. I lost a husband, gained a new man, found two wonderful friends then found out they weren't my friends, created and put on an amazingly wonderful show and then had that show pulled out right from underneath me and I've started college again as well as my own Wedding Planning Business.. Wow, enough to make your head spin. Yeah.. I think 36 is going to be a good year with some big questions marks as to what the future holds, but all exciting and all good!